The day was January 5, 2017. I had waken up early on a weekday and I knew I was going to do it. I had been grappling with the idea and then playing it out in my mind, first thinking how terrifying it would be to watch myself and hear myself talk to myself in the mirror. Tears came to my eyes every time I heard those three words in my head.
I get compliments most days by people I love and know and by some I don’t know at all. The attention usually goes to my recently upgraded style of dress and the way I interact with others. However, not so frequently do I hear the words “I love you”. When this phrase does get around to me again, it’s placed right before a “…goodbye” or a “…goodnight”. It’s like the person was thinking of saying it for a while and right before they ended the conversation is when they knew it was their last chance to squeeze it in. Honestly, I know those feelings well because my ‘I love you’s live in that spot.
But why are we so hesitant to say I love you, especially to those we truly love, like our family members? Maybe I can research this and write a more in-depth post later because this really puzzles me. Since this is a fact based on experience, I’ve been feeling some neglect in the love department, like my spirit is missing a little tender attention.
In my search of trying to figure out how to replenish that, I came across a few blogs and YouTube videos on building value in one’s self, and respecting and loving one’s self. These broad tasks greatly intrigued me, but their nature of ambiguity took me straight to Google in a quest to narrow down exactly what they meant and what I had to do to benefit from them.
I found numerous headlines, one being 21 Tips to Release Neglect and Love Yourself in Action. The items on these lists were so refreshing to see AGAIN because I’ve been trying to incorporate some of them for so long. One that stood out to me in the cited list is number 1, to “Begin your day with love (not technology)”. I thought, what better way than to face my fear and actually show myself love by saying “I love you” to my very face.
It sounds funny but it wasn’t easy. That morning, I prolonged the feat a little by washing my face and brushing my teeth first. After my face was almost dry and I was ready to walk back to my room I looked up with bashful eyes, smiled and said it:
I Love You
Then I giggled a little and floated to my room. My heart melted as if my dream boyfriend had finally made the decision to let me know his deepest feelings, that he accepted me for who I was and he was happy to be around me. The only difference is that, IT’S ME! I’m the one who loves me when no one else does and I will be the one who says it when no one else will.
I haven’t said it again since that day. Like I said before and as you’ve likely noticed, I waited until the last possible moment to just get it out. My next task is to dignify the phrase to a position it should be where it comes first and/or randomly towards myself and towards the ones I love.
I will update with my next experience of telling myself “I love you” and hopefully by then it will become a good, self-loving habit.